One year ago, my body said enough... A night became a day, and a day became a week, then a week became three, and I decided to fight back. This time it would mean slowing down, pausing, listening to my body, practicing gratitude, and ultimately removing toxic stress from my environment (as much as I could). Over the course of the past year, I've learned how to love and respect my body, my time, and my space. I learned how to forgive! I've learned that people will disappoint you, but that is a figment of our own expectations. I learned how to enjoy each day, how to garden (trying), how to "stop and smell the roses" (isn't it funny my senior year of high school I wrote a rather lengthy paper on how society needs to stop and smell the roses- full circle, huh?). In the process, I've regained my health, vitality, and energy. Ultimately has it made life better- yes in every single way.
Perfectionism - Friend or Foe?
I heard words everyday like "overachiever," "type A," "assertive," "go getter," "successful." These words used to elevate me, make me proud, and only fueled the fire that was desperately burning inside; burning up everything inside. Work had become my existence, my life... Now these words make me cringe, literally like nails down a chalkboard over and over again. It is not that they are bad. There are some great qualities to these characteristics, if channeled correctly... I prefer "leader," "efficient," "balanced" and "productive."
Scars....
I spent several years running away from or masking Inner emotional scars. I had a great life, a great family, a great history BUT we all have junk!!!! Processing and forgiving is the best remedy for that "junk." Thing is, I never processed, I just moved on. Sometimes moving on literally meant moving- across the world or across the country. Usually running as fast as I could. Was it adventurous? Yes of course. Was it exhilarating? Yep! Did it help me forget? Momentarily. Sometimes moving on meant burying it deep, real deep, and closing the door (slamming it shut on a humid summer's day, swollen, and never to be opened again). Yep, that is how I dealt with this "stuff." At the time, this was very functional for me....
The American Dream? Nah, not now..
I had life all figured out, or so I thought. I worked like crazy (typical American) and was gonna work harder than you! I trained and was gonna race faster than you! I was a wife, gonna be the best! I slept, only a little because I could be wonder woman. I surely thought I was far from perfect but if I did more, just one more thing, I'd get there eventually. I fear that my story....is not far off from many others, possibly maybe your own?
My soul tried to speak, but I didn't listen. My heart tried to yell, but I didn't listen. My brain was running so fast on a hamster wheel, it didn't dare jump off for fear it might just roll around in sawdust. YIKES!
THE DAY MY BODY STOPPED
A series of physical stressors followed- a car accident, a concussion, and a sinus infection. Training stress (because I wasn't feeling my best, I decided I needed to ramp up my training -surely beating my body into a oblivion would help. Remember, that is how I coped, huffing/puffing squeezing every last breath out of my lungs, heaving, pain, then peace because I was so exhausted). And of course, who the heck has time for quality sleep... surely not me!?
Wham bam Chattanooga Freight Train at 2:00am my body said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I woke up from a slumber with pain, I stayed up all night google searching everything. One night of NO sleep turned into three nights of no sleep, which turned into tears, and then into fears... Was life ever going to be the same? Was .... the pain.... ever... going... to go.... away? My body decided to stop, literally stop. Frozen, scared to death, and a long way from home (on vacation nonetheless) I had nothing left. I dropped to my knees, apologized profusely for how horribly I had treated myself and taking so much for granted, and I prayed. Prayed for support, strength, and healing because I was that dreaded word that I had always tried to avoid, "weak." God was listening because over the course of the next year, he filled my world with supportive people, books, knowledge, family, healthy food, and a husband that encouraged me and stood by my side supporting every new thing I made us try. He, God, filled my heart, told me not to give up, told me it would all be okay. Good thing our bodies have amazing abilities to heal themselves-- hug that intelligent machine! I mean really hug that intelligent body of yours please!
This journey wasn't easy and frankly there were days I felt like time stood still, but yet it is hard to believe it has been one year already! Last June, when I thought my life was ending, it was really only just beginning! I sit here telling my message to give each of you a hope that you too can start to live your life!
I pursued a holistic approach and my (number one) health provider said:
- "No Training...." WHAT? I wanted to reach out and strangle her, surely she didn't have clue how I coped. Actually she likely knew more about me than I did at that moment.
- "Sleep...." I slept! If it counted- a light sleeper, tossing and turning several times, waking up at odd hours! I would go to bed after finishing work on the computer around 11:00pm or midnight and I literally rolled my body off the side of the bed at 5:30am after hitting snooze three (or four, or five) times to run before I jumped in the shower and drove a little too fast to work spilling coffee and food down the front of me.. More likely I collapsed. Must I add, after a concussion, you should rest (not work, not look at computer screens, not train).
- "Eat Good Food..." I ate good food, or so I thought. I don't eat fast food. Sometimes I binged on sugar (okay a lot) but I ate "good food" too. After a concussion and all sorts of other body ailments, you should eat an anti-inflammatory diet, not sugar and caffeine. No..Matter..How..Bad...You.. Crave.. This..Crap!
- "Breathe..." Although I didn't say this one out loud (and excuse my French) but under my breath I thought, "are you f'ing kidding me, clearly I breathe, I'm standing here. How can I breathe when everything I know has been turned upside down?"
- "Go for a walk.." A walk, I thought, really a walk, that isn't going to do jack. Walking and breathing were the two best things I did..
Holy cow this workaholic perfectionist, had stuff to get done. How as I going to be successful if I wasn't jam packed busy? I feared lazy, fat, and bored. And I mean true fear... I cried A LOT. I was depleted, stagnant, and deficient. But in the end I crawled then walked, ate, slept, and had fun doing what my body could handle... I started to like it! Shutting down may have been exactly what I needed. My sympathetic nervous system had been like a ball in a arcade pinball machine.
REWRITING MY STORY...
Living the American Dream of success really equates to working longer hours, working harder, and wearing yourself down. I disagree, the true gift is slowing down, maybe doing NOTHING sometimes (oh, God did I just say that?) but I mean it! I was reading this excellent book and it spoke about the American dream in such words that really made me say "hmm..." and think. "As long as we achieve our desires in our own power we will always attribute it to our own glory..... to make much of ourselves. In direct contradiction to the American dream, God actually delights in exalting our inability. He intentionally puts his people in situations where they come face to face with their need for him. In the process he powerfully demonstrates his ability to provide everything his people need in ways they could never have mustered up or imagined" (Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From The American Dream, by David Platt). This hit home, I mean, without faith, community, and giving back to others (be it credit, time, tangibles) we try to operate on our own, but we are not a species that was meant to do that. Community, faith in a higher being, and humbleness brings it all together for me.
"Don't forget that everything you deal with is only one thing and nothing else."
(The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz)
Breathe slowly, and long, and calmly. So that breath comment I made above, well, it worked. Yoga is based on this by creating calm and serene states of being. It just so happens that currently yoga is my favorite form of exercise and I feel amazing after. Amazing I always feel a little lighter, a little bouncier, and a lot stronger in this physical body and spiritual mind after my yoga/meditation sessions. I often find myself cranking up good songs and singing to them on my way home from yoga- that says something. Aside from yoga though, I'm taking up breathing exercises throughout my day. I love them and they are proven to reduce cortisol! Breathing helps me to refocus and to align my truths- how I want to rewrite this story and walk the walk. It helps me to get in touch with my heart on who I want to be...allowing me to ditch that evil voice in my head that demands domestication. "During the process of domestication, we form an image of perfection in order to try to be good enough. We create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody, but we don't fit this image" (The Four Agreements). On a psych level its called cognitive dissonance- the theory that an individual holds two or more contrary beliefs that create mental discomfort. Instead, of living with the struggle of being good enough for everyone else, an image that isn't me, I'll take some deep breaths and get in touch with myself and my happiness... my truth and existence. By breathing we "consciously relax into this wavelike, oceanic quality of the breath that deepens our sense of peace and ease."
"The function of the human mind is to dream."
(The Four Agreements)
DREAM BIG! I've always been a dreamer, but after graduating graduate school with a million loans, I felt so stuck. As I squashed each and every dream that crossed my mind... too busy for that, not enough money for that, just. stuck. here.... I realized I was dreaming but without awareness. I remember something here, a philosophy teacher in college that grabbed my attention with every lecture. The one lecture I remember sitting in awe. Ya know, that lecture that sticks with you on your way back to my dorm, the one you woke up the next day with and.. that some 12 years later I still think about. Everything is an image of my retina and brain interprets and analyzes everything that the eye reflects on.. What happens when we stop reflecting, and just start going through the motions? Well that dream that we perceive starts to lose its light. I want my dream to be full of light- I want it to shine- I want it to be bright. Why do I want this? Because if my light is bright, I hope it can light the way for others as well.
In the meantime, I'm back to 90 percent, some days I feel better than I ever have. I can't wait till 100%!