I have everything I could ever hope for at this moment in time. Which ultimately left with with the belief that I have everything I need.
As many of you know, through Facebook followings, it was a particularly crazy year for us this year. It started with fun and excitement. Daniel had the wonderful opportunity to travel to Rwanda with the African Cycling Federation. He signed up for 6 months. He stayed for our anniversary and my birthday, nice guy. We celebrated in Taos, New Mexico. The first few months were fairly uneventful. Actually, in all honesty, April - June were a wonderful welcome to looking inward, mapping out priorities, and finding myself again. My business took off. Buck and I trucked along...
I continued to receive treatment and progressed through healing from my car accident. I found solace in the garden, and plants began to bloom. It was beautiful! I felt at peace, even though my significant other was miles away.
I got into a regular yoga routine and finally felt good at it. Yoga brought such an amazing release from things I didn't even know were taking up my energy.... what I like to call "energy drains."
Buck and I frequented the patio that Daniel and I had finished building just before he left, for dinner. We often were greeted by the little raccoon guy on the fence. Our own special routine, he lay at my feet while I took in the sights sounds and miracles all around me.
I traveled to Park City for a conference and also back home to New York to visit family. I said good bye to some of my best friends here in Colorado Springs. They were moving back "home" to be with family. Something that is ALWAYS a fork in the road in my own mind.
Time flew by FAST. When Daniel greeted me at the door the one of the last days of June, a surprise visit, I couldn't hardly believe I hadn't seen him for three months.
July proved to be an insanely busy month. Knowing it was my half way point, I purposely invited several visitors to get me through. Daniel's athlete, Carson, and his mother, were scheduled to stay. After a few days break between their leave, my parents arrived.
Team Rwanda decided to fly an athlete out, unbeknownst to myself, to travel to Oregon. It was so nice to meet Janvier and a little piece of Daniel's world. But living in a house that is only 775 square feet, having family, my husband, and an international visitor. Trying to coordinate schedules, arrange pick ups (because we only had one car), and Daniel leaving for Oregon was a whole lot overwhelming for me.
We, Daniel and I, got a whole 5 days together alone in the month he was home but 5 is better than none and it warmed my heart. Having my parents come and my dad help with the window in our bathroom was so pleasant too, amidst the unexpected visitors, bike rides, road travel and daily packages (to go back to Rwanda) that were taking up the only spare room we have. It sure was cozy or an obstacle course??!!
It was so nice to have a house full of people. Such a drastic change from my solitude and inward reflection. I LOVED it. Consciously knowing that people would be leaving and August would return to that quietness that I dreaded and loved all at the same time, I thought I had prepped myself. July was fun, exhilarating, and comforting. What I didn't know is what the next few months would bring... how those challenges would bring even more gratitude into my life, and ultimately set me up to where I am now- feeling as though I'm completely complete with everything I have. #more reflection.
Oh August, this month was 50/50...Daniel signed on for 9 months, instead of 6 (July wasn't my half way point). It was weird. I didn't prep myself for the emotional roller coaster I thought I was prepared for. The house had an extra dreary feel as Buck and I desperately tried to get back into some sort of routine. Somehow my work schedule went from really really comfortable to a busy chaos again. Since the weather was nice, and I was gone from the house for long hours, I left Buck outside. I found myself curling up with Buck and crying often, something very uncharacteristic of me. But if crying is gonna happen, it will happen when I'm alone, something VERY characteristic of me.
I was to say, at the least, alone, maybe even lonely. I thought Buck welcomed being outside in the warm air- looking back, I think I was wrong. This poor little guy was feeling as much stress, if not more than I.
Then one night, it was around 9pm, I got home (after being gone since very early). I drove up to the house and had this awful smell, like burning rubber. Likely it had just happened. It was dark, I walked around the back, barely able to breath. Buck greeted me with a slobbery saliva face and a smell that I'm sure the neighbors didn't enjoy either. He was sprayed by a skunk and the skunk had taken up residence in our backyard!! No wonder we had not seen our raccoon friends in over a week!?! I think I finally was done airing out the house and washing the dog up around 2am that night. The house smelled for over a week. I didn't recognize it at the time, but I was stressed! Our skunk friend was replaced by another skunk friend, Buck spent long hours inside. Finally we were free of skunks.
A good friend, talked me into going out for a mountain bike ride, since my workout routine was faltering. I went. On the ride, Buck was tearing around per usual but at one rest stop break, I noticed his scar, it appeared slightly bumper than normal to me. I watched it for about a week, it grew oh so slightly, until a friend of mine confirmed after yoga in the park one day- "Its too hard to be his scare, it could be the tumor coming back. I'd get him in right away." PANIC spiraled inside as I held an outward composure presented as calm. Our vet at the time here in Colorado Springs recommended surgery ASAP. We had done that 11 months prior, I searched for other options. We landed at CSU about 5 or 6 weeks later and the tumor had grown significantly. Fortunately, at this point, it hadn't affected his energy and personality. Now into September we spent every week at the vet-- oncologist specialist in Denver, oncology in Fort Collins, follow up in COS. CSU gave us four options- two of them would be fitting for Buck. One of them was much too invasive for me. So we decided to go with SRT radiation- three big doses of radiation to the tumor site only, sparing his internal organs. Luckily, there was plenty of room between his spine and tumor that they were able to do so. His lungs were clear, which they had suspected since it really was a localized tumor. Radiation appeared to be a success and I was told "Buck and return to normal activity." We waited two days and since he was stir crazy, we headed to Rampart for a mountain bike jaunt. He waited on me almost the entire day - clearly I was losing my fitness much faster than he. After about a week, the tumor was still the same size- no additional growth and he still had all his hair. About two weeks in the tumor began to inflame, as they had prepped me. We made a visit to CSU. They weren't surprised and started him on NSAIDS. Its fairly common for the tumor to swell initially in the first few weeks, then reduce in size over the next 6 months. Two days into the NSAIDS, Buck's tumor was slightly smaller, but his energy went south FAST. Frequent diarrhea that turned black, low energy, and starting to refuse food was a cause for concern. GI bleed, significant, stop all NSAIDS. His whole body was inflamed GI tract to tumor mass. The tumor then took off. To this day, I still believe it was all one significant inflammatory response. He didn't eat for almost two weeks. I'm getting pretty long winded. In summary, I flew my mom out to help, took a week off work and fed him by a syringe. He continued to tell me "we'll get through this together. I'm not done yet." No doctor nor myself felt it was the end. He started to turn a corner, after we found an integrative vet, Dr. Pearson, and completed a debunking surgery at CSU.... Several were significant angels in his recover including, but not limited to: my two vet friends who listened to me, provided guidance and helped care for him. Particularly, Dr. Jen Price, who made me take him to the emergency room. Nancy, Buffy, my aunt Colleen that delivered energy work, singing to him, and check ins for me. Prayers from all those around. His loss of appetite was due to the GI bleed, his temperature was all pain related. Once we got the pain source removed, his appetite and energy increased significantly. He, however; had a back full of stitches. We made it to day 12 out of 14 and then we popped some stitches. CSU didn't think it would heal on its own due to the tightness and previous radiation. Dr. Pearson believe it could and would, I believed. Guess what, 5 weeks later- its closed. At his lowest he weighed 44 lbs (loss of 12-14lbs), didn't eat for almost two weeks, and we had several nights we were up from 12am-6am straight, but somehow he managed to go on short walks every day. He lives for the outdoors. We went a total of 10 weeks before we slept through the night.
Buck is running, jumping, eating, barking, licking, cuddling, and even grumbling from time to time; just as his pre-cancerous state. His diet is superb. He can't eat enough- he has 2-3 more lbs to gain and thats it. We share food- all his meals we could eat. This is, as with mine, likely 90% why his recovery is going so well. Diet means everything. With a solid nutritious diet, the body can do amazing things. And that brings us to December. He never quite, he sent every single message he was a fighter. I NEVER EVER questioned this.
For me, "Buck" "The Roo" "Ruckis" "Buck-a-Roo" love is equivalent to the same as someone's child. When you sign up to own a pet, you sign up to take care of another living being, that animal. Aren't we all animals that need love and care? I was all he had, I had a responsibility. I am forever grateful I could be here and we were able to work through it all together. For me, this experience was about opening my heart back up to love, to care, to take that risk. Telling fear to "take a long ******* hike." In the end, the smiles and the light we share with all other living things is a miracle within itself.
So... what does this all mean? Money is great and all, work is satisfying, but its a written rule that society has wrote, it doesn't come from the heart and it won't completely whole heartedly fulfill a person.... Life is love, kindness, patience, relationships, being raw and real, and positive thinking.
Daniel is home safe and sound, my health continues to return to its optimal state, Buck's health is progressing beautifully (he has turned a lot of vet's heads, all of them being ecstatic about his turn around). Christmas is here. I don't need nor want fancy material possessions. I have everything I need- love, health, gratitude, a wagging tail with all four paws in life, and arms holding me tightly from angels
above! Below you will see the latest pictures of our abundance!
May this season bring you peace, love, and some quietness for inward reflection.
2014 has been a year not without its challenges but one of significant and incredible growth.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world."